Back to Music… at least for now.

I made a lot of mistakes at music school, but I’m starting to think that maybe GOING to music school wasn’t one of them after all. Sure, if I could go back and rewrite my life I probably would’ve only minored in music and majored in something a bit more marketable, but I’m willing to consider the possibility that things happened this way for a reason. I’m also considering the possibility that my main motivation for abandoning music and planning to join the military was anger stemming from the circumstances that forced me to leave California. As painful as it all was, I wouldn’t undo any of it, because it remade me into a better, more responsible, thankful and humble person. Working at the hotel these six months has humbled me quite a bit more, and helped me get over my shyness, it’s also reaffirmed some of my confidence in my creative gifting. My first year since getting my degree has been more informative than I could have imagined, and I’m ready for more.

So anyway, last Friday I was hired to be a music teacher again, though I was a bit reluctant at first. I was still clinging to the idea of taking charge of my life and making something better out of it. I don’t have too many solid answers as to why I feel different now, but there are a few snippets that could form an explanation.

1) I was right that I had been irresponsible. During my angry post-California life re-evaluation I was shocked and disgusted at my lack of responsibility, not providing for myself and expecting other people to pick up the slack. I was right to be disgusted by this, because that’s an awful, prideful and boneheaded way to live. What I neglected to realize is that I can be responsible and be a musician. It is possible to make a living in the business, usually by teaching, but there are also other ways. Hope and faith are not the same thing as irresponsibility, even though irresponsibility can disguise itself as faith.

2) My plan to retake my life, though theoretically sound, wasn’t necessarily God’s ultimate plan for my life, nor the happiest. Now neither was sitting around watching Netflix in California, but that wasn’t doing music either.

3) Re-tooling a life can really take the steam out of it. Sometimes, even if a plan doesn’t look perfect, sticking with it can get you a lot further than redoing years of work. That’s not to say I’m just settling on what I’m already doing, but I do think there’s a reason I’ve taken these roads that led to music school and it would be a waste of time to completely change careers.

I don’t know, I’m not sure. I may keep this teaching gig for awhile and still decide to go to the military. There still seems to be no better way to pay off my loans.

Piano

I’ve been playing some jazz piano the last two nights, and it’s stirring up a lot of thoughts and memories, so I thought I’d write about them.

Two things are important to know though, Jazz Piano is not something you learn overnight, and I’m not very good at it… yet.

Last year, as my graduate school / California experience was beginning, I made the decision (at the recommendation of my Comp professor) to essentially switch my primary instrument to piano. It was the best fit for his composition method and the best medium for learning new material, and I agreed with his assessment on the matter. Even now when I’m considering pursuing a non-musical career my desire to retain at least one instrument drifts back to the piano.

So anyway, I was going to make the switch. I made many of the initial efforts, playing the exercises he recommended, and I had a good time doing it, but the transformation didn’t stick. Though that may not be saying much as the graduate school thing didn’t stick either (because of the debt situation, I didn’t want to go bury myself in debt the way our government does) and with all the crises involved with ending my stay in Cali I didn’t have much desire to practice and so it never really kept happening.

Above all though, what I’ve lacked in the process is patience and perseverance. One thing that’s always been a stumbling block for me is how long it takes the body to learn a new skill. One’s brain can pick up new ideas in a snap, almost instantly sometimes, but the body takes months of repetition to build new muscle memories. Thank God it also takes forever for it to forget them, or I’d be much worse off than I am.

When I was in the highly structured and well-organized band program at Cypress Falls, I was never much aware of the process of creating muscle memory. I knew that we did certain exercises everyday, and I knew they were beneficial in some way, but I didn’t realize that I was drilling in muscle patterns that would last a life time. I wasn’t in charge of the process. Even moving into college I had private teachers on my back and frequent band classes that allowed me to develop these memories without completely understanding just how long, and just how much consistency it takes to make them.

Even now, I sit down to play Jazz Piano, and I think “I understand these chords perfectly, why do my fingers react so slow, I guess I must just be a bad piano player” it took me several minutes to really put two and two together and remember how slow the body is to learn new things. Thankfully my experience in California did put a lot of good memory into my hands to play most of these chords, albeit a bit awkwardly, at sight.

I realized another thing that may have held me back from really giving myself the kind of physical drill and repetition that’s necessary to play an instrument. Fear. I’ve been largely unaware that there has always been a fear in the back of my mind that I would invest years learning this one physical skill, playing an instrument and one tiny injury or misuse could take it away in a moment. I think that’s kept me somewhat aloof and guarded about intense practice. It didn’t help that I struggled with hand pain while I was in California. I think this must’ve subconsciously kept me from really seriously investing the long term practice hours it takes to truly learn the skill of playing an instrument. I didn’t mind learning about it music mentally, but my fear and misconceptions about the necessary time kept me from fully developing my skills. It’s hard to believe I was so off about such a basic concept of music. My teachers and peers and even third party media told me that music takes practice, and I thought I knew what they meant, but somehow it never fully fit into my brain that it takes hours, over the course of months, to make those sort of improvements.

That’s not to say I never practiced or developed muscle memories, I was just not fully aware or in control of the process, and I suffered for it. It’s so funny because that is literally THE. PRIMARY. PROCESS. of learning to make music. No wonder something always seemed off. I rode by on mental talent (which is good enough to make good grades in music classes) without grasping this thing that’s at the core of making music. I treated music like any other class, but math doesn’t take a lifetime of drilling because the brain learns so much faster than the body. But now I more fully understand this process, or at least I’ve made some sort of new connection that will help me be more patient.

And now, I feel like I want to become a piano player, and it feels like the first time.

P.S. Yes, I’m still considering a non-musical career. I’m not sure I would enjoy the lifestyle that most musicians live, but I have an open mind.